please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
