i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
