You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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