Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
