apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
