Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
