I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
im six kinds of drunk right now
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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