grandma shit on top of the toilet
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
