he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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