Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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