Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
