Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
