i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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