I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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