he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
