Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
