mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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