why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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