I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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