I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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