Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If I die, sorry about rent.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
