My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
