Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize