I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
