And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
