I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
