Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
