And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
