see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
