so that wasnt chicken after all
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
