Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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