There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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