I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My cat gives me a boner
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We had sex on a dog bed..
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
