In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My pussy is not your playground.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
