I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
