Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize