i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
