I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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