Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
