Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize