Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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