this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
