John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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