I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
