and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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