Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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