It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
