Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
