just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
