if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
