Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
