She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
