I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
