My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
