Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize