Non-Jews are for practice
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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