I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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