I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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