ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
