Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
this boner is exhausting
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize