3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
