I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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