I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize