somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
